Irrevocably Yours

One of the main lessons I've learned in raising my children is that parenting comes standard with a heaping dose of worry. There are so many possible sources of worry that it can be overwhelming...are they:

Healthy? Wealthy? Wise? Athletic? Sensitive? Inquisitive? Trustworthy? Loyal? Helpful? Kind? Courteous? Safe? Friendly? Popular? Adorable? Deplorable? Well-behaved? Well-groomed? Well-Intentioned? Attentive? Inventive? Retentive? Respectful? Strong? Talented? Perfect? 

The list could go on forever, but, for me, worry boils down to two key questions:

Can I protect them from physical harm?
Am I doing irrevocable damage?

Like most parents, I never want to see my kids hurt. I have a pretty active imagination at times and I'll often survey an environment and envision the possible ways the kids could get injured in order to set up my defenses. Like the old Tootsie Roll commercial from the 70s/80s told us...The world looks mighty unsafe to me, cause dangerous falls are all I see. Whatever it is i think I see, Becomes a danger zone to me.

I'm not even free of these thoughts in my own home. We have open stairs to the basement in the main hallway and anytime I have to walk down the hall with a kid in my arms, I hug the opposite wall to avoid any possibility of dropping said kid down the basement steps. I've never come close to dropping them, but still, the possibility exists and that worries me.

The second question involves mental damage rather than physical.We play so many 'games' as parents, 'games' meant to produce an end-product that fits our expectations and desires. For example, I want Mini-Me to behave and listen. Right now those are my two main goals for him. At school, he's mastered both, but at home, where he's comfortable, he's 'failing' often. He's four, though, so, from what I understand, it's perfectly normal. But that doesn't change our attempts to make improvements.

Thus, in the past, J'onn J'onzz, aka Martian Manhunter, has 'taken over my body' to demand that Mini-Me behave. I never remembered much about the experience since I was trapped in my own body, unaware of what was happening, but Mini-Me tells me my voice changed and J'onn J'onzz talked about listening and doing what his mommy and daddy asked. Then he'd go back to Watchtower and I'd wake up on the floor.

In the car, when Mini-Me was acting out, I'd 'slyly' unbuckle my seat belt long enough for the car to beep at me. He assumed (with a little help) that the beeping was J'onn J'onzz and Watchtower warning him to behave.

It was a highly effective 'game' until Rach made some comments about Mini-Me's literal belief in super heroes and I started to feel guilty about the long-term impact the ruse might have. Every once in a while, still, he'll hear the car beep or an odd noise in the house and he'll ask if Watchtower is watching.

This holiday season, we have an elf who sits on a shelf (or anywhere else he fancies) and reports back to Santa on the behavior of Mini-Me, The Wubster, and Mickey(TKNTD). The boys absolutely love hunting for Christopher Pop-in-Kins each day. It's harmless, right? Attempting to manipulate behavior with talk of Santa is an age-old trick. I don't feel my belief in Santa, the Easter Bunny, Captain VD, Abraham Lincoln, the Tooth Fairy, or the Justice League scarred me. I think I turned out alright.

It's just, a part of me worries about any irrevocable harm I might do.

I just want their lives to be perfect.

I just want their lives to be better than mine.